MM&MM&Golan&vanKuyk&Catana&Corlett&Pas

Abatti&Rogers&Rossi&Creebsburg&You

MM&MM, once the World’s Biggest Agency, has pulled the plug on six hours of award-winning creativity and several reinforced photocopiers.

Jack Goff, Campaign, remarked "During its short existence, MM&MM was one of the hottest and loudest agencies on the planet, that boasted over 62 nationalities with the creative power to transform human behaviour. It had the most iconic global accounts, Veuve Clitquot on tap and a HR department headed by the original Ronaldo. In fact, if you throw in the soft sand and a stellar set by Cinnaman and Beesmunt, then MM&MM was truly THE place to be. But just like a Justin Bieber romp, the fun couldn’t go on forever."

Wesley ter Haar, who transferred almost immediately to the Gutter Bar, remarked "MM&MM was a highly innovative agency that more than delivered on its mission to create hypnotic beats and damage livers. I, for one, will always treasure my branded mug."

Hans Brouwer and Victor Knaap, co-directors of MM&MM, were unavailable for comment. According to an anonymous source, the pair were simply too hungover.

The World's Biggest Agency will switch on the World's Biggest Copier on Wednesday 20th June.

The XXXerox XL measures 6x8x3 meters, and when powered up the radioactive rays will deliver six hours of strobe–light–flashing excitement. Aside from the standard print, fax and scanning capacity, the copier is the first to accommodate the needs of superstar-DJs. At the press of a large red button, the machine can pump smooth and sexy beats to magnetise users and duplicate organisms. 

The XXXerox XL prints up to 2,000 pages (or about one pine tree) per-minute and utilises CMYKetamine cartridges. The bulky model copies better than any Shoreditch-twat and can also copy most currencies, including the now defunct Euro. It also features 'GenerationGreen' technology - an environmentally friendly mode that is activated by turning the machine off. And, of course, it comes equipped with a large coffee cup holder to facilitate those late shifts and people with moist palms.

Victor Knaap commented "With the launch of the XXXerox XL, MM&MM can redefine party-goer expectations with a combination of functionality, productivity and hyperbility. Any error warnings such as "JAM" or "ADD drINK' will take the vibe to a higher level, otherwise you can always ask for the smug IT guy."

Croydon Chronicle published the results of their annual survey into the “most dynamic and engaging” workplaces, and MM&MM was recognised as the best media or advertising place to work. MM&MM, the world’s biggest agency for one night only™, was also ranked 17 best place to work across all businesses.

Chief Executives Hans Brouwer and Victor Knaap were recognised for their democratic approach to management that has allowed MM&MM to recruit and entertain some of the best party animals in the world. They understand that a kick-ass sound system, ambidextrous bar-staff and loads of flashing lights can benefit everyone. In fact, legendary parties on a soft sandy beach are the only way to leverage the power of multidisciplinary thinking.

A special award “Best Use of a Live Ferret” was given to MM&MM for “Mike’s Yarwood – the Musical”. Top places to work went to Tulisa Contostavlos, followed closely by Berlusconi’s Barbershop and Sophie Dahl’s stablehand. ECD Wesley Ter Haar said: “To be top 20 is fantastic. In the last year we’ve been fortunate enough to win best agency accolades at Gunn and Cannes – but to be mentioned in the same breath as Tulisa and Sophie is just awesome.

Creative agency MM&MM has resigned the account for sports shoelace brand Polyester Tiger due to what it described as “strategic, creative and knotting differences”.

Craig Craig, Chief Executive Janitor of MM&MM, said: “Our team has reestablished Polyester Tiger as one of the most iconic sports shoelace brands in the world over the past decade – on a shoestring budget. The decision to undo a line of business is not an easy one, but we were getting into knots, and could no longer be intertwined. We have taken Polyester Tiger through many holes and loops, and crisscrossed great ravines, but are proud of our accomplishments together. But, it’s time to move on. Dickheads.”

In 2011, MM&MM won a Gold Cannes Lion for “How long is a shoelace?”, an integrated campaign for Polyester Tiger.

With over 12 years industry experience, Bastardo has worked with the likes of Joseph Aloisius Ratzinger, Tourism North Korea and the Medellín Cartel. Bastardo began his career at RCC as an interactive altar boy before moving on to the night-shift at his local Tesco, where he specialised in facing the biscuit aisle.

According to Steve Johnson of MM&MM: “Saad is a young, talented and all-round great bloke. He is one of the most awarded digital creatives in the short history of digital creativity, whatever that means. He will be a incredible addition to our creative department and six-a-side ping-pong team.”

Says Bastardo: “I started in the industry when digital was a dirty word. My passion is the digital space and autoerotic asphyxia. I enjoy working with clients to push the creative boundaries in a sequence of bits, and show them what really can be achieved with a USB cable.”

MM&MM is proud to announce an update of its popular App that offers an immersive experience for discovering, interacting and sharing news and gossip. The revamped, easy-to-use interface features one large white button - and, when pressed, allows immediate interaction amongst users. It’s called a Doorbell™.

“In the age of the interactive social experience, we know people need to engage. This is for everyone and is at your fingertips. Part of the success of our Doorbell™ app has been our ability to listen to consumer feedback for ideas on how to improve,” said Colin Orij, Executive Vice President of digital product at MM&MM. “This was an opportunity when we didn’t have to create a better product. It’s not revolutionary, we’ve just tapped into the trend for social networks. It’s all about the consumer and gives them the opportunity to truly explore, connect and share.”

The updated version of Doorbell™ features a MMMMX sound-processor to deliver a slew of melodic-sounds (such as the Gary Neville Goalgasm, chattering gerbils and Ga-Gargling). It is available in the App Store for $0.99 from Wednesday 20th June 2012.

For the tenth year in a row, the fine people who hand out gold awards for 2012 gave honours of ‘Party of the Year’ to MM&MM. The jury remarked that “Agency Parties are the lifeblood of our business, pursuing new ways to connect and abuse, and even compare tats. For the last decade, MassiveMusic have built a reputation for hosting kick-ass parties - and the new partnership with MediaMonks will simply take this famous event to the next level. In a business as competitive and ego-driven as the advertising industry, MassiveMusic and MediaMonks recognise that balloons, cheese-on-sticks and top-DJs are very important in developing and sustaining a memorable night - and a forgettable hangover.”

Last year, the event was marred by the tragic death of a Kiwi-born Creative Director due to an act of pyroflatulence. Since then, cashews and Brussels sprouts are banned from the venue.

In an off-the-record conversation Victor Knaap remarked that he liked to emulate MassiveMusic’s global strategy and generous hospitality. Although he was reluctant to praise Brouwer’s dress-sense, golden locks and love of bass-player Mark King.

MM&MM, the World’s Biggest Agency (for one night only) has just installed the world’s biggest coffee machine. It measures 2x1x1 meters and is roughly the same size as a Fiat Panda. Multilingual Hans Brouwer installed the machine using the Hungarian section of the instruction manual. According to Brouwer, the coffee maker “has six Retina display screens, 16 boilers, 18 steam arms, surround sound, bluetooth, a 5-megapixel camera and the ability to record 1080p video. Importantly, it can make 24 espressos simultaneously - an organic Red Bull, if you like. It also knocks out an awesome latte quicker than it takes to sing the chorus from Eye of The Tiger”.

In addition to the posh-sounding laxatives of macchiato, mocha and nesquika, Hans and the MM&MM crew have developed a unique concoction called the Espresso Bomb. It’s a mix of Kopi Luwak coffee, Jägermeister and the liquid oxygen fuel of NASA booster rockets. “It’s the perfect cuppa to relieve stress, enhance brain function and bolster tolerance for the simpering ballads of James Blunt,” said Brouwer.

MM&MM, the World’s Biggest Agency (for one night only), won the business following a pitch against the previous incumbent Rectumongous. Plug&Socket and Cousin were eliminated at an earlier stage.

Rectumongous had been the incumbent on Smiths Aluminium Foil’s advertising account for only six weeks. During its time, Rectumongous unrolled a glossy-shimmering TV ad called ‘Chicken’, backed with the Jay-Z track of the same name. The commercial was loosely based around a group of soccer mums doing crack cocaine.

MM&MM will now oversee Smiths Aluminium Foil’s above-the-line activity. Dorian Durray, partner of Rectumongous, said: “We’re obviously very angry by this decision. I’ve been in the business over 20 years and know everything about aluminium foil. This account cost us a lot of time, and led to a permanent loss of my hair, wife, virility and 300 contacts in LinkedIn. We hope Smiths and MM&MM go fuck themselves.”

MM&MM is encouraging everyone to "photocopy a body part" with an online video to promote its launch party in Cannes on June 20th.

In the clip, 24 staff members press tightly against a XXXerox copier. The majority chose squishy faces but some of the Monks resort to more risqué poses, as they slap their (man)boobs and posteriors on the reinforced plate glass panel. Director Kinky Midget (aka Rogier Schalken) filmed inside the copier in what is believed to be the world's first. Amazingly, the shoot began with hardly any warm-up time required and soon achieved speeds of up to 25 cheeks-per-minute. Slight delays were incurred with a paper jam in Tray Two and the entanglement of Hans Brouwer's hair with the top cover.

Victor Knaap, who suffered a minor epileptic fit, can assure us that no butts were harmed in the making of this clip and that all smears, smudges and Smirnoff were removed before the return of the lease copier. According to Knaap"Scholars and practitioners may debate whether advertising is an art or a science. Had the experts visited the headquarters of MM&MM last Friday, they would have learned that advertising is really just a business full of arseholes."

Credits: The film was developed at MM&MM by The Stone Twins. Filming was shot by director Rogier Schalken of MediaMonks Films with producer Bo Polak. The beep and whirrrrr sounds were created by MassiveMusic under the music supervisor of Lodewijk Pöttker. Post production and editing was done by MediaMonks Films, and the extra copies were made by that D&D dork at Kinko's.

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MM&MM took the Golden Thong Awards by storm last night, sweeping six Golds on their way to being crowned the overall Agency of the Year 2012.

Embracing the awards’ new judging process - a judging panel consisting of employees from MassiveMusic and MediaMonks - the group claimed top honours for Party Agency of the Year, Analogue Agency of the Year and the coveted Best-use-of-Music-in-a-Splash-On-Aftershave-ad.

The awards, held at downtown Hotel Flamingo to a crowd of about 23 agency, media and homeless professionals, saw several new arrivals to the Gold winner’s circle, including BlueMonkey (Media Agency of the Year), GirlsInShirts (Event Marketing Agency of the Year) and Master Bates (Market Research Agency of the Year).

Controversially, Tom Shompson was awarded the inaugural lifetime achievement award. Despite not producing anything of significance since the animated ‘UUUh?’ of 2001, the judges felt that as Shompson was in the audience he might as well pick up a prize. Besides, he looks rather fetching in a thong.

Victor Knaap, the creative chairman and co-founder of MM&MM, announced today the hiring of Alan Smithee as co-co-executive creative director. Smithee, most recently creative director at LocalWorldwide, will officially assume his duties on August 1.

“Alan is without a doubt one of the most talented creative people in the business,” said Knaap. “I’ve been trying to get him since the day I started the agency. It only took two pints of cider and a packet of pork scratchings. I love his pinterest for female dart players and his penchant for neon unitards.”

“I’m unspeakably excited to be joining MM&MM,” Smithee said. “Working with Victor again, and alongside Hans Brouwer and the rest of their handsome team in the world’s biggest agency, on one of the finest beaches in the world. It’s awesometastic.”

Smithee had been CD at Bangers&Mash since 2007. Prior to Bangers&Mash he served as Diocesan Bishop at Father London for half a decade, whilst double jobbing as a milkman and a festival beer-glass collector. His CV includes three pages of neatly typed blah-blah set in Times Roman and held together with a red paper-clip.